Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Base Jumping–or Not

You know how sometimes right before bed you remember a dream from the previous night? Well, tonight I’m about to get out of the bath when last night’s long repetitive dream comes to me:

I’m standing on the roof of a tall building with a friend. He’s trying to get me to jump off, tells me the backpacks we’re wearing will release parachutes and we’ll be fine. He jumps, and I watch him plunge/drift away. I can’t do it.

Again: I’m standing at the top of a cliff, out in some kind of canyon territory. I’m with a friend. Backpacks with parachutes. They jump. I can’t do it. To my right, some guy takes off on an aqua-green hang glider. He’s obviously a novice, but he catches a wind current and soars into the sky, somewhat awkwardly, but he’s fine. It looks lovely. I can’t do it.

I’m atop a building–again. Above me are some guys in some kind of hot air balloon contraption. They look like they’re going to careen right into another building, but they don’t. And there’s me and my ridiculous backpack. How the hell do I know it’s going to open? I think. I really am not up for dying. Can’t do it.

Multiple opportunities to leap. Can’t bring myself to it. Hmm. The question is, exactly which part of my life is that about?

Posted by Nanny at 04:46:42 | Permalink | Comments (1) »

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Obama, and Us

I know we’ve been in three days of nonstop media Obamagasm, and I imagine everyone would now like to be left alone to absorb the historic moment in her/his own way. But if you’ll kindly bear with the political science professor for a post, she can’t resist offering a few reflections on the eve of the inauguration…

First, as zillions of pundits have already pointed out, this really is happening, and it really is hard to believe. I know a lot of people who study race in American politics, and I can assure you that not one of them would have dared to claim, even two years ago, that this country would be ready for an African American president. What the campaign pulled off, and how the grassroots showed up, is nothing short of a miracle, a sea change. The analysts aren’t exaggerating. We can’t take it for granted.

I have never felt so moved on election night as I did in November. After the election, though, I think I personally drifted into a mild state of suspended disbelief that this amazing man would actually enter office. Only 12 years of my 40 (is that possible? yes, I double-checked) have been lived under a Democratic administration. I was born the year Martin Luther King, Jr. and Robert Kennedy were assassinated; the year the hateful George Wallace ran for office under a racist campaign and effectively rooted the Southern Strategy for the next three decades; the year Nixon took over the presidency from Johnson and folks rioted at the DNC and across the nation over race, class, sex, Vietnam, and the soiled American Dream. When the political Right found the motor for its backlash, things changed for a long time. They played on our lesser instincts as a country. My (our) political experience is basically Reagan, Bush, Clinton, Bush, and bad, bad race politics all around. Not much fun. Not good. I hope the second 40 are a serious political improvement.

But enough about me. Here’s my inner political scientist weighing in:

Obama is happening because different currents in American political culture, which were always simmering beneath whatever gleeful authoritarian viral-capitalist nightmare we were living, finally began to find some traction after a long, unmoored period. Scholars a lot smarter than I have observed two major traditions in American political life, called “classical liberalism,” and “classical republicanism.” These are a bit hard to keep track of because they’re basically the opposite of what you’re thinking. To boil it down, classical liberalism is about our fixation on the (John) Lockean values of individual liberty. It’s sort of the selfish side of Americans, the part gets obsessed with pursuit of wealth; keeping government at bay; doing things the way we want when we want, goddammit; letting other people (or paying them to) worry about the hard business of governing; and blindly trusting that capitalist markets will work out in favor of some vaguely equal playing field. Yeah, classical liberalism is basically what we’ve come to call Republicanism. I like to use the founding father Alexander Hamilton as an early template of the liberal mold. It’s not that the liberal mold is inherently evil; in fact, its self-protective, libertarian, and mildly paranoid drives about government have given us great tools like the Bill of Rights.

Classical republicanism, on the other hand, is the more (Thomas) Jeffersonian idea that no democracy is worth its salt without virtuous, educated, active citizens who learn how to participate from the local level on up. My favorite FF (though flawed, I realize) also held that revolution is good shit for democracy, literally: “it is it’s natural manure.” And because he leaned small-r republican (and, to further confuse, he also led what was then called the Democratic-Republican Party), he advocated these things called ward systems, which were basically small-town civic structures through which people (read: ordinary yeoman farmers) would govern themselves with little intervention from the Federal government. To socialize citizens capable of such self-government he founded the University of Virginia, one of the first public universities.

I like to explain classical republicanism to students as the “We, the People” tone of the Preamble to the Constitution, or the whole Declaration of Independence. It’s about how we carry out the demands of active, accountable, messy citizenry, not simply by getting the government off our backs, but by being and doing good government. In our classically republican moments, we come out of our churches, our volunteer associations, our schools, our jobs–or, as Tocqueville noticed, we stay actively in them–and we pitch in to shoulder our part of the burden of creating a just community. In order to do this, and by doing it, we evolve into virtuous moral citizens.

The punchline here is that I believe Obama is happening, not just because he is uniquely Obama, but because after a long period of classical liberalism (or what political economists call neoliberalism) run amok, we’ve rediscovered our republican heartbeat. Collectively, we got exceedingly self-absorbed for awhile. But as markets have crumbled, corporations have vomited their toxic insides and given up the ghost, thieves have pillaged until there was nothing left to steal, presidents have broken sacred democratic promises, people have gotten epidemically depressed, and things have become profoundly fucked up, some deeper, older, saner part of “our better natures” (as O. keeps repeating) began to awaken. And someone came along, speaking just the right words with just the right tone and a whole lot of brilliant, informed strategizing–and we found a way to do the impossible. In turn, in asking us to hold his feet to the fire, in urging us to stay involved, to serve each other, to keep government accountable, he hopes that we will act like small r-republicans.

Here’s what I fear, though: that we will hang everything on the one man and not on ourselves; on a leader, and not on a process; on a hero, not a collective will that produced him. Because the one man is, as 1968 (and ‘63, and ‘65) should remind us, only a man, and a vulnerable man like all our best, truest heroes. If, God forbid, he should fall and we in turn falter and surrender to the darkest kind of despair, I fear we will be irreparably lost. We have been living on the edge already, and making the world pay. Look what happened in 40 years, when our heroes died and we got lost.

Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for the mighty, mighty security apparatus around him, but my hope is that we on this side, on the Obama movement side, will gain a newly empowered sense of we from this that doesn’t hang only on the man. He keeps reminding us over and over that We Can; he keeps assuring us that he comes from us, that his life, his story, are only possible because of what we, as part of a radical social experiment, created. My hope is that we remember what he has inspired in us–and not let things get that bad ever again.

Posted by Nanny at 04:50:17 | Permalink | Comments (4)

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Chafing, Minor Breakdowns, and Fish Tanks

Sorry for going temporarily radio silent again. I’ve been back in the saddle of teaching, and let’s just say it’s kind of chafing my balls.

Not that I don’t like being back in the classroom. That part’s nice, plus I’m teaching a new course about Political Forgiveness that promises to be emotionally and philosophically rewarding, though an existential rollercoaster. Already the ten brave souls who signed up for it have showed courage and psychic stamina in the face of overwhelming topics like forgiveness of Nazi doctors who conducted meaningless genetic experiments on children at Auschwitz. (Great, now onto incest survival!) My other class, Religion in American Politics, I’ve taught for years, though always with new material. It usually goes well and should this time, but for the fact that I have a big, verbose, dominating OAF in the class, whom all of my colleagues have warned me about, and whom I’ll have to find subtle and overt methods to control so he doesn’t ruin the fun for everybody.

Mostly, the transition chafes because of how easy it is to feel bombarded with details and distractions. I’m seriously going to find a way to try to work at home at least two days a week to avoid the tsunami of the office, where people are constantly knocking on the door, maybe just to say hi or maybe to get a signature, maybe to deliver a package, maybe to ask where Professor So and So’s office is because they can’t fricking READ name tags next to doors. But staying home won’t keep me from the piling on of emails that happens when students have questions to ask or things to tell you about their mononucleosis or their ailing grandmother, which they always do. I have seen with mine own eyes that some of my colleagues are more graceful and gracious with the myriad annoyances that come with teaching, but I personally find myself taking a lot of deep breaths and trying not to scream. It’s part of the job, I get it, but it chafeth.

The night before last, my eye caught on a line in Lisa Kogan’s column for O Magazine. She was talking about women over 40 and the weathermarks of experience, and she tossed out, “We are very tired–we’ve thought seriously about penciling in a nervous breakdown for ourselves, but we’ve been through everything the world has to throw at us so many times that it’s damn near impossible to get nervous about much of anything.”

Now, I don’t know about the second part of the sentence, because most of the women I know are still capable of getting nervous, even if they’re mostly undaunted. But that first part about penciling in a nervous breakdown resonates. First, you gotta pencil it in because you’re so committed to all the details that it’s hard to imagine stopping for even one day. And/or the only way we know how to deal is to stay more or less “in control,” which means that nervous breakdowns have to be scheduled. But flashing before my mind’s eye even now are all of you, all of us, with everything we’re juggling, like

  • kids, daycare, coparents, ear infections, craft projects, screaming, cereal all over the floor
  • mothers dying, degenerating, self-destructing, persevering, calling, not calling, crying, having boundaries, not having boundaries, enjoying health, losing health
  • getting to work on time, somehow remembering all the 144 individual items you have to bring with you in three bags or less
  • navigating the needs, whims, and personalities of the supervisors, senior colleagues, partners, chairpersons, and condescending administrators
  • managing email, Facebook, LinkedIn, the blogs, the news, the New Yorker, the weather, the recycling, and the compost
  • installing the eco-friendly lights, the batteries in the smoke detector, the carbon monoxide detector, the alarm, and the freaking furnace filters
  • compiling the briefs, the summary judgments, the articles, chapters, books, reports, Excel files, grant summaries, IRB protocols, course proposals, assessments, and direct reports
  • trying to stay on diet, control the drinking, eat more fiber, get enough protein, find time for snacks, brush teeth and somehow still floss
  • walk the dog, feed the cats, clean the fish tank, sweep up the dead bird, keep the mice out, and change the pillows enough to avoid the dust mites
  • oh yeah, and manage to get to the gym enough to make it worth it

My personal list reflects only a fraction of those enumerated above, and yet I get all nervous breakdowny periodically. Like yesterday when after a long insomniac night spent tossing and turning, eventually moving to the couch, I couldn’t summon enthusiasm or energy for anything I had to do. I felt like dog doo–that is, if dog doo feel morose and self-pitying and pathetic. Luckily it was a work at home day, and I had a little flexibility (though not really; I have so much to do there is not possibly enough time in the month to do it). But I was–for once–worrying about money and why I’ve been living check to check my whole adult life even though I’ve made so many changes, blah blah blah, and am I really in the right career, and will I get this stuff published, etc. I just got stuck in a hole for whatever reason and started shutting down. Email was a mountain I was trying to scale in a 1920s wheelchair.

Luckily, Grandpa (Kris) faked sick at work, left early, and rescued me. We went to PetsMart, where we bought new tropical plastic decorations and picked out three new fish for the 50-gallon fish tank Katie bequeathed to her (the moving of which is a whole other blog). After getting home and introducing the new fish to the eight others in the tank, I pulled up a chair and let myself become transfixed by their world. I must have sat there for an hour, gazing into the tank, like a kid (oh, and maybe a little stoned, too). And then we watched Finding Nemo in its entirety on the new flat screen. I laughed and screamed and rooted for Nemo, Dora, and Marlin. And everything I was supposed to do got scrapped. And it made me feel a million times better. I even caught up on my reading when I got home.

So now I’m back at it, fresher and more optimistic. Good case for penciling in a minor meltdown, at least.

Posted by Nanny at 13:43:33 | Permalink | Comments (2)