Flats Domino
Flats. And why I hate them.
Not Rocky Flats, silly. I’m talking about the regrettable invention of heelless, girly shoe-slippers.
Now, I can handle the waxing and waning of fashion trends that might be a little dumb. Working on a college campus, I’m used to seeing kids bust out items that, for example, were popular when I was in seventh grade, like Polo dresses and belted Oxford shirts. Last year when the girls were sporting braided espadrilles, as if they’d just been invented, I had to smile remembering how I coveted and finally secured a pale yellow pair of them back in Newport Beach in 1983–thereby narrowly retaining my position on the bare edge of “in” in materialist Orange County. At 40, I’m getting to an age where I’ve seen stuff come and go–fat belts, skinny belts, metallic accessories, low rise bell bottoms, high-waisted peg pants, straight skirts, pleated minis, and hippie skirts, and even the recent reappearance of stretchy cotton leggings, Lord help us. I try to stick with what I call “Classic Items,” so as to be able to stay at least minimally stylish while meeting my admittedly anorexic fashion budget.
But flats then and flats now are, in my view, never going to make the Classic Item grade, despite the fact that they seem to reappear like cockroaches or cupboard moths, as if to rub in your face that they’re here to stay.
Perhaps I should be a little more specific in my definition of flats before I let loose. I’m not referring to just any shoes that don’t have much of a heel–sandals, flip flops, even pseudo sneakers like these Keens, which I have to admit aren’t too offensive:
And I get that some people have to wear flats “for medical reasons”–like ladies with osteoporosis or, I don’t know, people with overbearing corns. It’s not that I expect women to run around in four-inch pumps so they can get caught up in computer cords and embarrass themselves like me (see “Moment of Grace,” below). Some women, like my mom, have simply done their time in heels and the bones have finally rebelled. Fine. People who HAVE to wear them can be exempted from the tirade (athough I have to ask, if you have corns or whatever, couldn’t you go for Danskos or a nice pair of comfy running shoes? Even Birkenstocks would be a reasonable option).
But seriously. I am baffled as to why women find shoes like these, also known as “Ballerina Flats”, in any way attractive (and, believe me, I didn’t even try to search out the most unattractive among them on Zappos.com):
Maybe it’s me. Maybe I just don’t get it. And I’m open to a rebuttal if any of you would like to come to the defense of flats and flat-wearers. But why in the world do you want to look like you’re a six year-old at a birthday party? I mean, why not pull on some white tights and a patent leather belt and put a big bow-barrette in your hair? Or why not wear a t-shirt that says, “Look, I’ve given up. I want to look frumpy, yet feminine, okay? I don’t care of they make my legs look like I just won the log rolling contest. I live in the suburbs. I HAVE GIVEN INTO FLATS!!!” (Actually, that’d be a badass t-shirt.)
Hmm. Maybe flats are a straight phenomenon, like purses or GMC SUVs or weddings. I can’t say that in memory I have ever seen a self-respecting lesbian wear flats (with the possible fictional Alice on the L-Word, and her “fashion choices” are the equivalent of Pluto in the lesbian orbit anyway). Flats would not only invalidate any butch points you might have racked up in a lifetime, but they’re gonna make you look ridiculous changing a tire or fixing the plumbing. I don’t know from personal experience, but they seem like they’d cause a really bad wipe out in the rain. Terry, can you weigh in on this? Have you ever worn flats?
I’m trying to anticipate possible reactions to this. The only answers I hear in my head are, “I think flats are cute.” Or, “but they look vintage,” or, “they’re the only thing that go with this jumper,” and don’t get me started on jumpers. Again, I’m open to argument, but for now I say:
Flats aren’t cute. They’re dumb. They’re infantilizing.
Also: ugly.
They make you look like you’re standing in a hole.
There are so many better options: Motorcycle boots could even redeem a jumper. Running shoes have the potential to balance out the sad taper of leggings. Combat boots are even better. And for chrissake, don’t ruin a nice pair of designer jeans with six-year-old birthday party slippers.
Tiny little bows do not make them sexy like lingerie.
Don’t fool yourself that they’re feminist just because they free you from heels. A battalion of women in stilettos would be way more intimidating than a flats-based revolution.
Fashion flats are a contradition in terms. Don’t buy it.
Finally, they really don’t suit a mooj.
Tell me I’m wrong.
p.s., This is a good example of why my book is not finished.
