Moojinorbit

Update: Whatever the blog formatting problem is, it is PC related, and I’m working on it. Mac users aren’t having problems (another reason to get thee to the Apple store). I don’t know where the Blog.com tech support is, but I may work on some reformatting when i have time. Until then, if you can’t read the full post, email me and I’ll send it to you directly.

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I notice myself vacillating lately between being perfectly, sometimes surprisingly content with where I am in the present, and then tightening into tension for no clear reason. Do you do that or is it my idiosyncratic pathology?

Like, before I got paid last week there were a couple of days when, due to an accounting error on my part, I had -$34.00 in my checking account and my gas tank was below “E”. Nothing but condiments and a few abandoned Newcastles in the fridge. All external signs pointed to “you is flat broke, fool!” But riding my bike to the library with all my work stuffed in the panniers, I wasn’t worried. I had bright sunshine, green grass, dogs and people to look at, blue skies, sprinklers, fellow travelers, a chance of rain. I felt gratitude in my bones for the friends willing to spot me a cheeseburger, my girlfriend who showers me with love and affection (and meals), my funny colleagues, my odd jobs, my sweet kitties, my good life. Broke is a certain kind of freedom; what can you do until something shifts?

Then I get a paycheck and have a lucrative weekend bartending. Pay some bills, feel a little back in black. And cain’t sleep for frettin’. Everything’s fine, money situation’s under control, but sun goes down and I tense up. Brain kicks up problem-solving, song lyrics start looping (“tell me have you ever, really, really loved a woman”; damn that Brian Adams), stomach rumbles, sleep evades. I pretzel the sheets for flip-flopping.

Grrr.

Eventually, Ambien surrender, bright sunny morning, and I’m new again. Calm and collected. Ready to get to the monster do list. A little green tea lemonade and the sunbeams shine down upon my head like a Rafael painting. I cook up a veggie scramble and realize: Wow, life is so good. My home office is clean, it’s not too hot yet, I’m actually making progress on this book, I’m back in groceries and gas and I’ve got two more bartending shifts at the end of the week. Who cares about September, my historic month of financial panic? It’s only August! Every moment is a treat from the Universe. I’m in the present.

And then, four hours later, nothing having externally changed, my shoulders are turning to cement. The cat’s in the way, there’s nothing good to eat, and I’m irritated about having to show up for my 3 o’clock clock-in. Recognizing that this is a total shift from less than a half-day ago, I scan my body and realize I’m worrying. About what? Uh, nothing. Everything. Things, okay? What’s it TO you?

Is this caffeine (from innocent green tea lemonade???) or is this a bad habit? Tensing up, worrying about stuff I can’t control in the moment. Does it have anything to do with spending a large part of my childhood in cars, eyeing the gas gauge and making sure the driver stayed awake, living a hyper-vigilant youth? Is it genetic? Can I quiet the beast? What was I supposed to do again, take a few breaths?

So: back to breathing, a glass of water, a little stretching. Pace around a little outside, shake it off. Hmm, look at that yellow rose blooming, and, wow, is that little iceplant actually shooting up a flower? What a sweet little baby bird. I’m almost done with that essay. Another contract gig shows up in my email. Isn’t life amazing!

Present. Then Tense. Then Present…

I wake up this morning to discover I am bleeding, per my monthly ritual.

Still have foregone all the tasty and comforting carbohydrates, and have cramps, so am mildly cranky.

Per the monthly ritual, I am knocking over, breaking, or running into everything in my path.

Stepping into the shower, I see that there is a layer of dust on my floorboards.

I have sudden and powerful urges to scrub my entire house from basement to roof.

I resist such urges because I have a lot to do today. I promise myself a cleaning frenzy as reward for work completed.

Did I mention I have to prepare a 90 minute talk to “retired and semi-retired” folks–i.e., seniors, which I’m scheduled to present Thursday morning? What was I thinking.

The little piles on my desk are intensely distracting. I want to fix them but resist.

I read and surf the net in preparation for talk.

Remembering something I wanted to double-check, I make a call to an administrator at school and am told that the money that my letter said would be available July 1, 2008 is technically available; however, it will not actually be available for me to use for the salary I REQUESTED for until August 1, 2008. That means I may have no July paycheck, which is unacceptable.

I’m scheduled to leave for Spain in July. The trip is free, but I still need to pay my bills and be able to eat in the cities we visit.

I try not to freak out. I will try to figure out something through the Dean’s office.

Oh no, another summer of intense meditating on opening the money channel. I thought I’d opened it!

I reach lunchtime, make a meal that makes a very large mess.

I obsessively clean the mess trying not to freak out.

I go outside to read my pile of papers in the sun. Go inside to answer the phone. The wind blows the papers all over the backyard.

Fucking-A.

Someone’s knocking on the door. I go get it, knocking over a glass and running into a coffee table on the way.
Two young women. They want to tell me about Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ.