Yes, I realize it’s been awhile since the last post. As much as I love the blog–one of the great things I look forward to in life– I’ve had some other priorities elbowing out my post time. For example: grading, course prep, more grading, taking students on religious field trips on weekends, painting in my new “creativity center” in the basement, grading, sketching a super-skinny nude guy in a life drawing session with Andria last night, and, oh, bartending at the Magnolia.
Which is what I want to post on as I sneak time in between classes today.
I know I’m still an amateur in the bartending field (though I’m getting much smoother, I must say), but I’m not an amateur in the practice of social observation, and, let me tell you, being behind the bar at weddings is one prime vantage point for watching the social rituals of the fascinating cultural environment that is American weddings. Well, I should be more precise: the weddings of white Anglo Saxonish Protestants, which, from what I can tell, are the only ones I’ve had the opportunity to observe at the Mag so far. (Yes, there’s been one African-American groom at that first wedding, and his people added a touch of soul that has been lacking at the subsequent events I’ve attended, but the rest of the party was way WASPy, so I lump it in that category.) I haven’t done a Jewish wedding yet (can’t wait), or a Latino one, or an African immigrant one, but I promise to post when I get that lucky.
Meanwhile, four weddings down and I’m observing some distinct social types–characters that emerge repeatedly in the ‘white wedding’ milieu. The bartender position, while not allowing for participant-observation in the central circle of the event, does provide a unique node for ethnography, a lens from which to observe these types. People’s “bar moments” are interstices in the wedding–moments in which the flow of the event is temporarily paused or shifted from the perspective of the participant. S/he comes to the bar for a drink, and in those moments, takes a few breaths, glances at the wedding from a couple steps “outside,”has an opportunity to engage with someone separate from the wedding circle (the bartender), maybe concocts a new strategy for reentering the scene, and in that “crack” in the event, frequently, briefly lets down his/her guard.
In these interstices, we bartenders get a glimpse of who people ‘really are’ (for the moment) and how they are relating to the wedding psychologically, socially, emotionally. Yes, they are just moments, but through a series of such moments over an arc of four or five hours, you really start to see fascinating patterns. Now that I can make most drinks without fixating on whether I will be successful or not, I can enjoy them.
So, tell me if you recognize anyone in these types:
SDG - Stonefaced Drinker Guy. At the last wedding I worked on Saturday night, this was the guy who ordered 5 or 6 double Jack and cokes over the course of the evening and never for a moment seemed drunk. He was also the only guy not wearing a tie, he had a shaved head, and looked like he was going to ride off on a Harley. Oddly, he was probably the most dignified person in the room.
YWW - Young Working on Wasted. When the bride and groom are under 30 and not rabidly religious, this category encompasses almost everybody in the room, and this is true whether or not there is an open bar. I did not realize, prior to this job, how much weddings function for so many heterosexuals as open season on being as wasted as possible on their friends’ dime. I thought frat parties were bad, but they’ve got nothing on the manic, get-me-another-drink-ASAP vibe of weddings full of young people. The YWWs are the first to the bar and the last to be pried off it, sticky fingernails digging in for dear life. Only maybe half of them tip decently and about 10% get increasingly aggressive with their orders as the night wears on. Female YWWs are fun when they start using your name and come to you to help give them soda water to sop up the stains on their cute dresses.
GOG - Generous Old Guy. This figure is a prize for every bartender. Usually an old friend of the bride or groom’s father, this guy is, I think, looking for inconspicuous ways to demonstrate his loyalty to the family. He casually strolls up to the bar, tips a twenty or two, thanks you for your service, and wanders off, maybe with a Scotch on the rocks. I love that guy.
FSTG - Fat Slutty Tipsy Gal. At this point, I think I could pick out this one from across the street. Not much to notice at first, just a chubby, usually young woman ordering, say, a Captain Morgan’s and pineapple and politely pulling the tip out of her cleavage. But fast foward to after dinner and girl’s getting her buzz on. By the time the dancing starts (three drinks later) she’s got cannonball energy, blasting recklessly through the crowd and colliding with men of all shapes and sizes. Shaking her shimmy with mighty abandon, curvy parts bounding out of low cut dresses, she sweats and winks and flirts her heart out. Some guys bite, some flatten against the wall. Nevertheless, I think this girl gets taken home from weddings a lot by male YWWs, but I worry about what happens after that and how she feels about herself in the morning.
ARP - Anxious Recovering Person. This male or female approaches the bar solemnly and in precise 45-minute intervals to order their Shirley Temple, Diet Coke, or soda water. The wedding thing has got to be a nightmare for them; how to live through all this free flowing alcohol, all these drunk idiots, with handcuffs on? It’s a brutal realism, and I admire the stamina.
SDGG - Self-Designated Groomside Guy. You know the guy who drags five groomsmen to the bar and makes them all hammer shots? That’s this guy. He feels he’s failed as a friend if he doesn’t organize this time-tested ritual, and even if 60% of the guys are gagging visibly as they choke down their shot of Crown Royal (?), he’s gonna make it happen. He also, always, is yelling.
SABB - Self-Appointed Bridesmaid Bitch. I see this one coming and I reposition myself, let the other bartender take her. Good Lord, she’s bossy. She barks her own drink orders and insists that all service come to a halt when the bride needs a drink. Okay, fine. But later she’s the one causing the drama when she doesn’t feel appreciated or hasn’t gotten enough attention. This usually means flirting unabashedly with one of her friends’ husbands, then frothing about something unrelated or tearing up and woefully apologizing when her needy ass gets called on it.
MOB - Mother of Bride. Anxious, tightly strung, tight updo, ordering water most of the night, until she slings back a glass of hard stuff at the end.
BUL - Bitter Unmarried Lady. The strange thing is that these women are often some of the most attractive ones in the place, or at least I think so. Usually 40-ish and gorgeously styled, they can be obnoxious or not; it depends. But there is (if I’m not just projecting) an underlying exasperation bubbling under their smooth surface, which isn’t disguised (or is perhaps revealed) in the cool, determined way in which they dispense with their drink of choice–usually vodka martinis. Also, BULs are reliable and generous tippers even if they may wait until they’re done drinking and tip a ten at the end. I often see them engaged in what appear to be intense conversations with men, but leaving alone in the end.
DCG - Drunk Crazy Grandma. Last week the DCG was shaking her bahdumpadump up against men 50 years her junior–to Timbaland beats, throwing her head back and cackling with pleasure. LOVED her.
Okay, I don’t want to make you tired by going on, because Lawd knows I have categories to add to this list and more tales to tell. Let’s just say that if a wedding is a fishbowl with a lot of fish and a big plastic castle inside, I’m having a heck of a time peering into that universe, suckers and all. Weddings are joyful celebrations, sure. But they are also a vortex of anxiety, insecurity, bravado, and social awkwardness. A total circus. I can’t wait for the next one.
